May 4, 2018
How to build confidence in yourself so that you can be happier and show up better in your marriage and other relationships.
Hello everyone, so today I want to talk about confidence and how having confidence can really help you in your marriage and it can really help you in any relationship. Confidence is a really important part of your mental and emotional health. And building confidence is not something you can just do once and be done with. It’s something that requires constant maintenance and is an important skill to learn. It’s also something that people also don’t understand how to get better at. So that’s what we are going to talk about today.
So first lets talk about why we don’t have confidence.
Now in the LDS church, we believe that we are literal sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father. We are DIVINE. We all have infinite worth. And that’s a really beautiful concept. But why do we not believe it?
So there is a disconnect between this divinity and how we feel about ourselves. Inside every one of us is an innate fear that we are not enough. And its not just limited to a certain skill set, but we just aren’t good enough human beings. That there is something wrong with us. That we are not worthy of love or worthy of the good things that come to us. We don’t embrace our divinity.
Most of you have probably heard the analogy of a $100 bill being crunched up, maybe ripped and torn…but it is still worth $100 even thought its not perfect. And that’s just like us.
Now I want you to think of a brand new baby. This baby is straight from heaven. It is beautiful and has never done anything wrong. And of course that baby has infinite worth and nothing can change that. But when we grow up and we experience life…that worth changes? NO! There is not a single human being on this earth that didn’t start out as a beautiful baby. And that worth doesn’t change over time. It doesn’t change because of things we do or don’t do. We all have INFINITE worth. We are are all worthy of being loved. We are all divine. Period.
The problem is, we often let our worthiness or even our HUMAN-NESS make us feel less than…
So why do we beat ourselves up so much for being HUMAN? For making mistakes? When we do not live up to the expectations we have for ourselves? Or why do we let others make us feel “LESS THAN” if we don’t live up to their expectations?
And the kicker is…when we think less of ourselves we actually show up worse in the world. It’s like a self-fulfilling prophesy. I feel like I’m not enough, so I’m not going show up as my best self. And if you don’t show up as your best self how are you showing up? How are people going to treat you if you aren’t showing them your best, true, authentic self?
Now…if we can change our thinking so instead of saying “Well…this is me. I’m not great, so I don’t know if you are going to like me or not because I don’t really like me” to “Hey, this is me. I am amazing. I have infinite worth. I’m also human. I make mistakes. But I will love myself in my human-ness because I know that I am a child of God and I am divine and I have infinite worth and I have some amazing talents and qualities.” How will that make you feel about yourself? So much better, right?
Dr. Sasha Heinz is positive psychologist and she says “Everyone’s biggest challenge in life is to get over the crap in their own head. The ONLY obstacle you ever have to overcome is the stuff in your mind.” I love that!
So, how do we do that?
We gain confidence when we accomplish something.
Toddlers learning to walk. They don’t get down in themselves when they fall. They just get back up and keep trying until they get it. They have to build those muscles in order to learn. They keep trying and trying and eventually they get it. And they are really happy with themselves. This is them building confidence.
Same thing with us. But we put ourselves down so much if we don’t get it on the first try. Or even the second. We are so afraid of failing that we don’t even try.
Failure is ok. Just the first attempt in learning. Learn what works and what doesn’t. When you are trying something new….or something you want to get better at your Brain will say “what if I fail” and what if you do? Remember it’s trying to keep you safe from physical and emotional pain. But you can handle it! You can do failure! I’ll figure it out. I’ll keep trying.
So I like to sit down at the beginning of the year and write out thing things that I value. And then I set up some big goals for the year for myself. And then I break those big goals down to manageable goals that I can accomplish monthly, weekly, or even daily. I write them down. I actually put them in an Excel sheet so I can hold myself account. I put reminders in phone. And then I have a meeting with myself on a weekly basis to see how things are going. For example - I set a goal to read our church magazine The Ensign cover to cover each month. There are usually about 30 articles in it, so it breaks down to about 1 article a day. I have a repeating reminder in my phone To read the Ensign each day. I try to read that 1 article first thing in the morning, but sometimes I don’t get to it. If I don’t get to it, it’s ok. I don’t beat myself up for it. I just try to catch up on Sundays. I’ve been able to read the Ensign every single month for the last 2-1/2 years. And I feel really good about that. That helps boost my confidence, it helps me be more in tune with the Spirit, and I’ve found so many things that are helpful for things I am going through in my life. It just makes me feel good about myself that I am accomplishing this goal.
It’s not an all or nothing. When I reflect on my goals I’m happy with my accomplishments. And it builds my confidence.
So let’s bring a real life example into this scenario. Let’s Say you have a husband who is quite controlling. He has certain expectations of you as a wife and mother. And if you don’t meet his expectations then he can be demeaning. It’s never ok for him to speak to you unkindly or to put you down. He can make requests of you, but you are free to choose if you want to meet those requests or not. And as long as you are happy with yourself and the things that you are doing, that is ok. You need to get your own back on it. Now he may not like this…. he may not like you standing up for yourself when he used getting his way. In the past you may have just done whatever he requests to keep the peace and then resented him for it. And that’s not a great way to live in a marriage. But if you learn to get your own back, have confidence in yourself, and stand up for yourself, eventually things will change. In one of two ways. 1. He’ll eventually figure out that you aren’t going put up with his controlling behavior anymore and he’ll back down. When you show up with confidence, it can throw him for a loop at first, but eventually he’ll figure it out. or 2. He doesn’t. He continues to be demeaning and you’ll feel so much better about yourself that you won’t put up with HIS behavior anymore and set some boundaries. Just like we talked about in Episode 1, things may get worse before they get better. Be prepared for that. But have confidence in yourself and that you can handle any situation, and everything will be ok.
This week, I’d like you to think about this quote "We can only love others to the capacity that we love ourselves."
If that’s true (and I believe it is) how will you show up differently in your marriage if you love yourself and are confident in yourself. How can that improve your marriage. When we live from a place of love…love for ourselves we show up as our best self in the world.
Ok, my friends. That’s all I have for you today. See you next time.